


I Am All I Am... But who am I?

by VoidSovereign



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Loss, Memory Loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 14:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20409586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoidSovereign/pseuds/VoidSovereign
Summary: ... Who Am I? There's a lot in those words. A lot to think about, when you're unsure about your identity, your life, who you even are, there's a lot to try and find in just your hazy memories and broken feelings...





	I Am All I Am... But who am I?

Who... Who am I?  
There's a lot hidden in those words, a lot lost between the cracks of what it means to have a sense of self, to know who you are and yet have no real clue, to have no real idea who you are, yet... you do. It hurts the brain and makes your scalp burn, it makes your words static and the tingling in the back of your mind is the only white noise that feels like home, the only one that makes it feel like you know who you really are, despite it being a comfortable void of nothing but static. Static. Rolling over your skin and leaving goosebumps in it's mental wake, existing only to remind that you aren't dead, to remind you that somewhere, deep in your heart, you're somehow still alive, that your skin has someone in it, that the pit in your heart that falls and falls and never ends until you do does have someone in it, and that someone is you, and you might not even know who they are, but it's at least the smallest reminder that you exist. And that's the worst part. Not having a answer to that question, to that one ever encroaching question of identity. Who... who am I?

It wasn't the first time he'd done this. Sat in his concrete room, the walls undecorated aside from a few shelves with a few select items on. A chair that faced a TV. A bed that looked like it belonged in a prison. He didn't have much, looking from his floor to his ceiling, but he didn't need much. He was just him, in all these moments in which he didn't know what he was feeling, in which he felt the emptiest he felt, he was all he was. The Ultimate Lifeform. But what did that mean? Surely the ultimate lifeform would feel... real. Would feel superior to other living things. And yet, all he felt was the need to improve, to truly and quickly become the best he could, despite the fact his entire life he'd always been told that.  
“Shadow... you are the ultimate life form.”  
“The Ultimate life form, Shadow the Hedgehog.”  
“Shadow-”  
He closed his eyes as her voice hit him. How many times did this happen, how many times did thinking about himself lead to her, and hurt so bad. Hurt like no other. It felt like a hole in his existence, bigger than any other one that lurked there in his mind, under the surface of his skin. He closed his eyes tight and swallowed, clearing his throat as tears blossomed in his eyes like the sadness of life. No. That was wasted emotion. It was always wasted, every emotion was a waste if not used to better yourself.  
Sigh.  
He opened his eyes and looked at his things. The items he'd kept because he was too weak to let go of them, the things that sat on his shelf. They gave him a mix of feelings, happiness sometimes, the good feeling that he never spoke of to the others. Sadness occasionally, looking to the picture of Maria that sat at the end of the shelf. Regret, a glock, for the weakness of taking a life with anything but your own strength is pitiful, but most of all, the feeling he got was one that made his stomach feel funny and his throat close a little.  
Knowing he existed.  
Each of these items. Maria's picture. The Chaos Emerald. Another picture of himself and Sonic. His gun. They were all proof that he indeed, not only existed, but that he was Shadow the Hedgehog, and he was the Ultimate Life Form, whatever that meant.

But he didn't feel like he was. He felt that was his identity, yes, that was who he was, but did he know for certain? Did he stew in feelings of superiority over anyone? Over that faker, Sonic? Over his house-mate and best friend, Rouge? Over the other “friends” he constantly restrained himself from fights with? No. He didn't. He knew he was better than them by design, but how many times had Sonic gone toe-to-toe with him and either drawn, or won by a millimetre? How many times had that echidna shown understanding of the chaos energy on par with his own? How many times had Rouge been the one to save him from almost certain death, at his own hands or otherwise.

Too many.

Too many was the amount of times he felt anything. Dealing with emotions, of any kind, was hard, it was so so hard when you aren't even sure what you're feeling or who you are, the messages running through his mind and to his brain, the feelings in his gut that stung like bees against his emotional centres. Each and every feeling hit him like a brick of confusion, the only thing he ever knew was who he was, he was the ultimate life form, but even then every day, every single damn day he sat there and doubted what that even meant, who he even was, where he was in the universe, what he meant to his own creator, was he a true son, or just another experiment made for the government, for the black arms, and even still every little feeling in his mind congealed into a mess, into the same overwhelming feeling that left a hole in his torso and pulled his still-beating heart from his body to pose the single question.

What was the point of anything. What was the purpose for which he existed? He'd been given a purpose, once. It was given to him by her dying breath as she lay in his arms, blood coating them both as her entrails hung out.  
“Bring Hope to Humanity.”

He didn't know what that empty feeling was. Why it haunted him in the night and why it sat there in the early morning, challenging him to feel anything other than the loss he knew sat in his gut, the pain that he knew sat in his stomach, the need to stand on the roof and look out at the city and stars and prove to himself. Yes. You are real. You do exist. And you matter. You are Shadow the Hedgehog, the Ultimate life form, and-.  
“And you do matter.”  
Shadow looked up. He'd been focused on the ground and didn't know it, but he'd been speaking out loud again, monologuing this entire time like the edgiest razor in the blades section. He'd blush if he knew what the hell emotions even were, and looked up at the person who finished his lines.  
“...Sorry. I was meditating-”  
“Shadow. Honey. It isn't meditating if you're talking about how sad you are.”  
“Rouge. … How long have you been standing there.”  
“Well, I heard you say something from down the hall. Y'know, like you always do when you're getting your flashbacks, 'Maria'” she put on a deeper voice as if to joke with him when quoting his lost best friend, “and I thought maybe i'd see if you're okay. And you're not, are you, Shadow?”  
“I'm fine.”  
“No you're not, I mean, you're never alright, but if you want to talk-”  
“I said I'm fine.”  
“Yeah, and the last time you said that I had to convince G.U.N to stop chasing you down because you blew a hole in a wall. And broke your hand doing it.”  
“Rouge.”  
“Shadow.”  
“Enough. I am Fine.”  
Rouge rolled her eyes and leaned on the door frame with her elbow, her other hand on her curved hip as she did so.  
“Alright then, Ultimate life form, means you can help me out today then.”  
“... What are you doing that needs help.”  
“Well, Shopping.”  
“... What base do we need to infiltrate.” He said, standing up from his prison bed and inhaling through his nose, almost growling unintentionally.  
“Well, I was thinking we'd go to the Mall. Infiltrate Victoria's secret, maybe some of the other clothes stores, possibly get some lunch at Subway. Y'know. Standard shopping trip.”  
“... That doesn't sound like a mission at all.”  
“It's not. It's to get you out of this room for a bit, you've been sitting here for days and hell, you've barely eaten anything. How're you gonna be the Ultimate Life Form if you're all skin and bones, no energy?”  
“I wasn't hungry.”  
She rolled her eyes again and looked at him. Her best friend in the world and still he was barely a person- or hedgehog. Animal. Whatever. She took him by the wrist and looked into his eyes.  
“Ultimate Life Form, Shadow The Hedgehog. Will you Accept this mission, to escort your best friend and also landlord Rouge The Bat to the mall, and god-damn, start looking after yourself? Mission control doesn't want to have to nurse you back to health again.”  
It broke a little smile on his face, one that was quickly pushed away by his own feelings of emotional numbness as he returned the look, their eyes on-level for a few moments.  
“...Fine.”  
“Good. Meet me downstairs in ten minutes, a girl's gotta look good.”  
“Mmhmm.”  
Rouge left for a moment, though stopped to peek her head around the door again and look at the hedgehog that made her heart worry nnd gave her the most grief any man ever had.  
“And don't forget a Jacket, it's gonna rain later today.”  
“Mmhmm.”

Now, Shadow the Hedgehog was not someone who knew what it meant to look good. Amy had corralled him into trying on make-up and put his quills into different styles, but it'd made him fall into his own utter pits of despair. It'd been good, he'd never tell her, it'd been good until it reminded him of Maria doing the same. Sitting on the Space Colony Ark and playing dress up. Seeing her smile like no other, but like every time he thought of her, it ended in gunshots.

… … … 

When she found him by the door, Shadow was just stood there. He was just waiting. His eyes glazed over, looking into space. She waved her hands over his eyes and sighed.  
“Shadow? My Ultimate Life Form? My Best Friend? You in there? You've got no coat on.”  
He snapped back to reality and cleared his throat, looking at her with her handbag and jacket on.  
“Yeah. I'm fine. I don't need a coat, I'm the ultimate life form. Cold is a weakness.”  
“Alright then. C'mon. Let's get you out of here for a bit.”

It was early in the day, early enough that Rouge's casino wouldn't need to be open for a while, and even when it did, they employed a robot friend to do it for them. The three'd been through a lot together, and even still. They'd go through more.


End file.
